


A Light In The Dark

by talonyth



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 12:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2348600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talonyth/pseuds/talonyth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama likes a sort of warm and soothing light that can't quite compare to any other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Light In The Dark

For as long as Kageyama can remember, his eyes have always been focused on what matters the most, during practice or outside of it. Once his mind is set, his heart settles, he can only think of that one single thing. Lately, during practice or outside of it, it is the same single thing. The same single person with a smile so gentle that it makes Kageyama wonder what else feels this pleasant. Maybe the morning breeze in spring during a good run. Certainly. No, even more than that. 

Suga's presence is like light. Not the same type of bright and almost forcefully shining light Hinata is. Not the type of light he sometimes shuts the blinds at because it is too intense, too much to handle. Not the artificial type that casts a cold light and leaves him unsatisfied, bright enough so he can see but not pleasant enough so he wants to leave it on either. He is the type of light that is small, it is warm and soft, the type he can look at and never tire, the type where it stays imprinted on the back of his lids once he closes his eyes yet leaving a calming, soothing feeling behind, enough so he can fall asleep peacefully. 

Suga's light is like a candle, somehow. A petite flame in a room of dark, dancing with every breath he takes. A minuscule fire he can never touch unless he doesn't want to get burnt. It is beautiful but it hurts. And like this, Kageyama finds himself looking at Suga but never reaching out to him. He doesn't understand the sentiment; doesn't think he has had this from the very beginning. At least not to this extent where he can't focus on anything else any longer, a mind too narrow to focus on multiple things at the same time. He catches himself looking for the light more and more often, thirsty to try out and reach for it but too afraid to get hurt – or worse, suffocate the flame. 

It is useless. Suga is unreachable, he isn't tangible for him and no matter for how long Kageyama stares, he will never come closer. 

“You've been distracted lately, Kageyama,” Suga says and there isn't a single trace of scolding in his voice. It is worry, more than anything and is makes Kageyama cringe. Is it so obvious? But he doesn't know what it is, or what the reason is either. He figures it is probably bad, though. Watch it from afar. Don't get too close. But what would happen if he did? 

“I'm sorry, Sugawara-san.” His voice sounds far away to his own ears and while he expects Suga to sigh, to tell him how troublesome he is, none of it happens. Instead it is there again, a broad smile, every corner of his face smiling along, a heavy clap on his shoulder waking Kageyama up from daydreams.

“Don't apologize to me! You know, I'm just worried. It isn't like you to be this unfocused at practice. Is there something on your mind that not even volleyball can distract you from?” His eyes are so warm, so genuine that Kageyama almost speaks what is on his mind. About the candle and about the light, about everything he doesn't understand. Because Suga might, he probably does but it would be bad, Kageyama is sure, bad to talk about something he can't grasp yet. For a little longer, he wants to watch the flame dancing slightly before his eyes. 

“If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine,” Suga's lips move so nicely, Kageyama never noticed this before and his trail of thoughts is going elsewhere entirely, “but do remember that if you ever need to get something off your chest, everyone will listen to you. Don't bear it by yourself if you think it is too much for you.”

It is. It is far too much of something he is unfamiliar with, of something he cannot deal with because he doesn't know what it is. He can still feel the warmth of Suga's palm on his shoulder, sliding off his arm when he gets called by Daichi, and he feels like he should have said something – anything – but the more he thinks about it, the more he wants to keep quiet. From afar. Not too close.

It is only weeks later that the third years announce they will leave, that exams are coming up, that it was a good time, a wonderful time, that everyone sheds tears over them graduating and that they spend more time practising than usually because they don't want the third years to leave and neither do they. But it comes to an end, everyone exhausted as they trot home and as usually, Kageyama walks a bit of the way with Hinata – but this time, Suga tags along. 

“I have an errand to run for my parents, they'll probably be furious anyway because I'll be late,” he said before waving Asahi and Daichi Goodbye, all three of them usually taking a part of the same way too. Kageyama's heart is burning and he doesn't know why. Perhaps because practice felt different today, because it will be different from now on. Perhaps because he can adjust quickly to new situations but he doesn't like doing it. He listens to Hinata and Suga speak, Hinata obviously still down about the third years leaving but it seems like he is picked up by Suga just fine. When he climbs up his saddle, he is already smiling back to Kageyama and Suga and waving as he drives around the corner, his silhouette gone. 

Both keep on walking but surprisingly, Suga doesn't strike up a conversation. It burns and Kageyama wonders if he has gotten too close after all, if there is something he has done wrong. If this is sadness or something else. 

“It feels like fate that I'm walking with you on my last day,” Suga giggles and it's the usual smile draping his face even though his eyes are still a little red. Kageyama's heart stops, it simply stops for a second before going on and burning, still melting in his chest for no reason he can decipher. 

“F-Fate? What?”

Another giggle and Suga stops in his tracks. So does Kageyama and he feels nervous about what is about to come. He knows Suga is perceptive and perhaps he has done things he hasn't noticed but Suga did. Perhaps this is the candle falling on his hand, hurting him with the flame going out. 

“I didn't get to tell you today. We all were too busy crying our eyes out so I never got around to talk to you.” Here comes. It's stinging already, Suga is smiling but there is something distinct about it, it is unlike any of the smiles he has shown so far. “I wanted to thank you, that's all. I know it's probably a weird thing for me to do seeing as how we play on the same position, I should have wanted to be the one succeeding. But you have done an amazing job and I know I could have never done the same. It is hard to admit but we wouldn't have gotten as far if I had been Karasuno's setter instead.”

Kageyama shakes his head slowly, stunned by Suga's words. It's not the candle going out. It hasn't fallen. But he will lose sight of it. He will fall asleep watching it and by daytime, the wick will be burnt down and the flame will be gone. He won't be able to watch him any longer. He will remain out of reach forever. It is not as if Kageyama hadn't known but it only hits him now. And it hits him hard. Too fast. His heart is burning still but the candle will not. 

“I know you will do just fine in the future too. I can't believe how much you have changed and I'm proud to have been there to see it! I'm glad that everyone sees you for who you are and for what you do. It feels good to be appreciated, right?”

His eyes are averted, he isn't looking at Suga any longer because he can't bear it, he can't understand this yet but it feels like it is trying to incinerate him from the inside. He has gotten too close, it was just a candle, no one dies from the flame of a simple candle. But he might as well. 

“Please stay strong, Kageyama. Remember you are not alone anymore. Bring Karasuno up as high as you can because if it is possible for someone, then for you, I am sure.”

Kageyama can't grasp the meaning of Suga's words, he can't grasp the meaning of anything at all and he wants to speak up, he wants to say something but as it has happened the last weeks, he ends up staying silent. Suga comes a step closer and his hand touches Kageyama's arm. It burns. But he doesn't flinch back, his body too tense to respond. 

“...Kageyama, are you... crying?”

His tears feel like they are scorching his skin away and it hurts, it hurts more than sore muscles after a week of training camp, it hurts more than a punch from Tanaka, it hurts more than anything he has ever felt before and he feels like he finally understands a part of whatever this is. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm down but it only ends up getting worse, choking on air and sobbing. 

Another step closer and Kageyama wants to run. He can't come closer than this, it already is enough. But who has ever died from the flame of a candle, really? He has never tried to touch it, never dared to. Suga's hands wrap around his wrists and he feels a gentle squeeze. They are warm, of course they are. 

“I told all of you before but it is not like this is the last time we are seeing each other. I'll come and visit and Daichi, Asahi and Shimizu said they would do the same. All of what I told you... I had wanted to say this for a long time. I am really grateful you came to Karasuno,” Kageyama wants Suga to stop, it makes the tears double and the ache increase, “and I am proud to leave the team as it is. I couldn't have wished for anything else, you know?”

Maybe for a bit. For a second. It might be alright. Kageyama leans his forehead against Suga's shoulder and the tears still hurt, his heart still hurts but it feels a little better. Soothing and calming. He wished he could have resisted the urge to reach out. He will pay for it later, the tips of his fingers burning away but before the flame is gone, he needs to at least brush a finger over it. 

One of Suga's hands lets go of his wrist and he raises it up to Kageyama's head, ruffling his hair. Ah. Heart stops. Heart beats. Kageyama starts getting used to it. “I didn't think you would cry, Kageyama. You and Tsukishima stood strong there while watching all of us with snotty faces,” he laughs and it eases the pain as it amplifies it. 

Suga doesn't let go of him until he has calmed down. It is just a few more words, just a few more sounds until Suga's smile imprints on Kageyama's lids as he closes his eyes. By the time he will open them, Suga will be gone. He will never know he was Kageyama's candle, the only speck of light he wanted to watch forever if he could have.

**Author's Note:**

> don't ask me, i have no idea. i think kageyama still doesn't get he's in love with suga by the end but he figures he doesn't want him to leave. for the record, as one-sided as this might seem, it is not. suga has exactly the same problem as kageyama, so he never approached him. who knows if they ever got together, who knows, really


End file.
